Deja Vu

People say that one learns from their mistakes, but how come history always repeats itself in my love life?

Story of my life: Boy likes girl, girl doesn't like boy or not enough. Don't like me, not in that way anyway. People close to me should know better; they know how I am. Don't you guys pay attention to my warning signs?? I really thought I made it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment. I may be super friendly and sometimes flirtatious but I never step over the boundary of the dating line. Even when I go on dates, I make sure it's not consistent or frequent so that they get the wrong idea. Relationships just complicate things.

I'm not heartless or an ice queen; I have feelings, infatuations, crushes. But sadly I'm the emot-terminator, I start killing off those feelings and dreamy thoughts the moment I acknowledge them. I'm quite skilled at this.... I listen to my head more than my heart.

I do believe in fate and true love. But even though I know it exists, I find it hard to believe I'll find it. It's contradictory how I am a hopeless romantic yet I'm very realistic (sadistic?) when it comes to reality. Damn those movies and K-dramas; those love stories are too legit.

As a defense mechanism, I put up this brick wall to avoid relationships and its emotions. It's odd because I've never been one heartbroken or rejected; I'm really not sure why I'm so guarded, but it keeps me from getting in too deep. I know myself: I know that I get bored easily, that I'm too independent, that I can't give a 100% into a relationship, so why bother putting up with the time and emotional commitment?

What makes everyone so sure that my wall will come down? What if it doesn't? What does it mean to take a risk when I don't want to? They all say take a chance, that they're different, that they can change me. I'm skeptical because I really don't trust men. Secretly I'm a man-eater, man-hater, yet I always wanted to be a boy. The irony.

I'm very independent. Sometimes it makes me selfish because I put my own life first, I want to be able to do things that I want or need to do. I don't need a guy, and right now I don't even want one. I want to have my life figured out; I want to be happy with myself first before I am happy with someone else. Once I'm content with who and where I am, I believe the rest will fall into place. For now, I could care less bout falling in love.

I'm sorry to all those I've caused any unhappiness. I've never meant to hurt anyone nor to mess with anyone's emotions. I'm sorry that I couldn't return the feelings wholeheartedly. I want to say "thank you" for caring, for the affection, for being a good friend, for being there...

Regardless you can always count on me to be there as a friend. I wouldn't be a very good girlfriend but I am a pretty awesome best friend.

Maybe someday, someone will unlock the key to my heart.

I belong to me

It's not that I don't want to have you in my life, baby
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right, baby
Before I open up my heart to you

I don't need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
Nobody's got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection